I missed another party last night because of the TV. The first time it happened I skipped my sorority formal because the premiere of Walking with Dinosaurs was on. Last night I blame Beowulf.

Small town local paper news footage:

Online homepage: featuring video of Boston Massacre re-enactment using high school students and an emcee
Calendar of events: months of July and August featuring 2 events only: ladies Bible study (meet at the Baptist church at 7pm each Tuesday) and obesity surgery support group
Front page headline: feature article on big turnout to purchase high school football magazine
Recipe section: featuring article on how to explore world cuisine with what’s already in your pantry, take raisins for instance
Business section: Merle Norman grand opening this weekend

Can we please all discuss instead how The Way You Make Me Feel video is about an obsessive stalker, masturbation and gang rape simulation? Which culminates in a loving embrace?

Big news, folks. I got a job today. Which means I'll have more to write about rather than spending all my free time napping on the couch during Ice Road Truckers reruns and eating sherbert out of the carton. And also hominy.

One thing that I have made sure to do since moving home is to relive all my favorite things that have enormous cultural significance for me. Such as various Mexican things and Louis Tussaud's Wax Museum. If you please, do not confuse Louis with his great-grandmother, Marie, and her stamp of signature quality. Louis has waxworks in these exotic locales: Copenhagen, Denmark, Niagara Falls, Canada, San Antonio and Grand Prairie, TX, Hot Springs, Arkansas and Bangalore, India. Take a look:


Crosseyed


Driving Miss Daisy to Planet of the Apes


Magic and wigs


Jethro is tanorexic

Welcome to our home.

Things of note:
I am not working right now, hence, I am seldom around the computer.
I have had two 3-day migraines where I have vomited up: crackers, cake, bile, Gatorade and cottage cheese.
I want to run a conch train in the Florida keys.
We repainted our dining room which the previous owners had painted red and pink with glossy peacocks stenciled on the walls. We have not yet repainted the bedroom where they painted a unicorn on the wall.
I have got to stop going to Taco Cabana.
My face is real rashy and broken out but only on one side because I had a wet washrag on it for 3 days straight.
Our 2 year anniversary is today and we will celebrate with hamburgers and nachos.
Flight of the Navigator is getting a remake. BLASPHEMY.

BRAVESTAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARR

Bravestarr
Bravestarr

In a distant time
And far away place
The planet New Texas floats deep in space
Sky of three suns
Land of precious ore
The Kerium brought outlaws by the score

Bravestarr
Bravestarr

Then one day, a lawman appeared
With powers of hawk, wolf, puma and bear
Protecter of peice, mystic man from afar
Champion of justice, Marshall Bravestarr!

Bravestarr
BRAVESTARR!
Eyes of the hawk, ears of the wolf

Bravestarr
BRAVESTARR!
Strength of the bear, speed of the puma

Bravestarr
BRAVESTARR

(This one is dedicated to you, SLB.)

This morning we found some old Nerf jai alai-type toys and started to play in the house until we realized this is a grown-up house and we could break something so we moved the game out to the backyard. And then we got embarassed because the neighbors are probably thinking, "Great. Neither of them appear to have jobs and they just play jai alai in the backyard at 10AM like mature adults."

I found an Avon catalogue in the driveway today. That is how I know I am living in a real, adult neighborhood with an HOA and children and women who sell Avon on the side to pay for silk flowers and signs that say "WINE" in Tuscan-themed script to hang above their wine racks. Have you ever looked at an Avon catalogue's perfume selection? Patrick Dempsey has his own cologne, as does Derek Jeter. This is my favorite both for name and packaging:



Check out some other amazing Avon fragrances here.

We done gone moved ourselves to TX. On the drive, I ate at Dairy Queen 2 days in a row with no apologies (to myself). I instead chose to exercise my restraint on purchasing kachina dolls and moccasins with bald eagles emblazoned on them. And I had the pleasure of peeing in a bathroom where if I stood at the sink and angled myself just right I could look directly into the eyes of a man pulling the lever on a slot machine. What I can't believe is that we are here and we are not leaving because our new home is here and our cars are here and there is someone else living in our old house already so we can't go back. This is not a holiday vacation where we'll be catching a flight out in four days after I'm covered in mosquito bites and reeling from a bad case of cedar fever. Already it is humid here and the power went out last night, two lasting memories I have from childhood growing up here that have already reared their heads our first night back. But there are green trees and grass and breakfast tacos galore and I think everything is going to be alright. My little brother gets a shoutout for driving 8 hours yesterday with me, writing a school paper last night and then flying back to work this morning at 8am and my little sister gets nothing because she is the middle child.

So this guy is totally a sex offender and is probably performing sexual battery out of frame the whole time during this video but you have to watch this, guys. He also has a video of himself shirtless and scratching himself with a toilet brush. As usual, Videogum has burned an image into my brain, the negative effects of which can only be abated by me sharing it with all of you.



Gabe and Lindsay have a fight about whether or not everyone is a pervert on YouTube (they are, clearly).

I watched Twilight with some girlfriends last night and oh man was that ever horrible. I just couldn't let myself like it because I hated everyone in it and the acting was terrible and the story was rigodamndiculous. I really hated that gay Asian kid. Man was he annoying. And can someone teach Kristen Stewart to act with her mouth closed? Is there a school for that? She can enroll with Tara Reid. Why did all the Cullens wear lipstick all the time? And what was going on with the peroxided hairdos? And why is a love story between two 17 year olds supposed to be magical? Look, you are borderline retarded when you are 17 (unless you are this girl when you are 17 because she needs like a MacArthur Genius Grant right now and she is only 13). You are so borderline retarded at 17 that even if you thought you had fallen the deepest in love with your stupid 17 year old boyfriend that anyone has ever fallen in love in the history of the world including surpassing all of Liz Taylor's passionate love affairs and also Demi Moore and Patrick Swayze in Ghost you would still also claim to have fallen the deepest in love of all time ever OMG ever to like infiniti times bazillion with a bad actor representing a fictionalized portrayal of love in a movie. That is how retarded you are at 17. So watching a movie based on some 17 year old girl that meets a guy in science class and decides they are so totally meant to be and magical because he stares at her and wears lipstick and because she is someone that nobody would ever love because she never smiles and her mouth is also always hanging open and because when you are 17 you have reached the apex of maturity and that is when all of your major decisions should be made in your life with finality is a really terrible story idea.

Today is my 3rd to last day in a town I really like. And you know how I have spent the past few days saying a sentimental good-bye to it? By going to TJ MAXX 6 times.

Okay, tell me truthfully. How bad is it to call in sick on your last day of work? Should I just go in? It has taken me over 2 hours to wake up, shower and sit on the edge of my bed in a towel and check perezhilton while talking to a small dog. His name is JJ. Or JayJay, as I like to think of him. And if I come in late I'm going to have to come in with donuts or something to show why I didn't come in until 1pm (I COULDN'T REMEMBER IF DONNA LIKED THE BEAR CLAWS OR THE MAPLE GLAZED! IT TOOK ME 3 HOURS TO THINK ABOUT IT!). And now my hair has dried itself into a cone shape. What do you think, JayJay? Don't walk away when I'm talking to you. Oh, one more thing. A quote from the book I'm reading (which I don't suggest you read if you have recently been laid off or more specifically laid off from some sort of advertising agency).

"So she says to me," he says to us, "'I see you put Tom's bookshelves back.' So I act totally ignorant, I say, 'I'm sorry, I don't know what it is you're talking about,' and I go back to cleaning my desk, but she's not leaving, so I look up again and she says, 'And I see you no longer have his chair, either.' So I say, 'I would appreciate you not harassing me anymore. There are rules against that in the employee handbook.' And she says, 'You think I'm harassing you?' And I say, 'Yes. And I don't appreciate it.' And she says, 'Well, maybe we should take it up with Lynn.' And I say, 'I would welcome that,' and she says, 'What are you doing right now?' and I say, 'Well, unlike some people, I'm trying to get some work done. Some people actually generate revenue around here, you handjob.'"

Two things. I did my two exit interviews for work today and they were liberating. My co-worker's hissing cockroach has an egg sack it poops out its butt and then sucks back in.

I wish I looked like this today (thanks, gofugyourself). But instead I am wearing a dress I have not only worn 3 days straight but have also slept in for 2 nights. I am also vomiting up orange juice and continuing on with a splitting allergy/sinus migraine that has been nonstop for 2 days now. And also my ear is aching and I almost collapsed in not my shower only to stumble to not my bed. This pseudo-homeless business is for the birds.

Another city I could possibly move to in the future:

More Ways You Know You Are Living With 2 Dudes:

1. Gatorade athletic towels in the bathroom
2. Old Spice bodywash
3. The plastic is still wrapped around the lampshades
4. All drinkware has beer logos
5. Empty bottles of Cutty Sark on the top of the fridge
6. Dishrags smell like mildew
7. Dancing with the Stars is still on
8. At least one person is always sitting in a dark room playing a video game and wearing enormous headphones